


Services Rendered

by YumeArashi



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: All of the Sass, Humor, Multi, Sass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7615057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeArashi/pseuds/YumeArashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Duke makes good on his threat to send Audrey and Nathan a bill for his assistance</p>
            </blockquote>





	Services Rendered

**Author's Note:**

> co-authored by my friend Nicky from the Haven Hangout

“What’s this?” Audrey asked curiously, pulling a sealed letter out of the suggestion box.

“Duke’s handwriting.  What’s he up to?” Nathan wondered.

Audrey opened the envelope and pulled out the folded slip of paper.  She began to laugh.

> _ Duke Crocker Consulting Agency _
> 
> _ Invoice for services rendered _

“Finally made good on his promise,” Nathan noted, trying to keep a straight face but betrayed by the little crinkles at the corners of his eyes.

“Did he ever,” Audrey grinned, looking at the lengthy list.

“Let me guess, he charged us ten grand an hour?”

“Surprisingly, no,” Audrey showed him the first line item:

> _ Base consulting rate: $0.05/hour _
> 
> _ Night work: base rate x2 _
> 
> _ 8 hours @ $0.10/hour: $0.80 _

“But the total is upwards of three hundred thousand dollars.  Do I even want to know?” Nathan said incredulously.

“You have no idea.  Wait until you see what else he charged on here.”

“Hate to think.”

> _ Hazard pay: $175,000.00 _

“I suppose he has a point,” Audrey mused.  “If an excessive one.”

> _ Surcharge for exposure to inclement weather: $500.00 _
> 
> _ Bonus for inclement weather being caused by Trouble: $1,000.00 _

“Like we didn’t all get soaked,” Audrey snorted.

> _ Bonus for weekend work:  $10,000.00 _
> 
> _ Surcharge for working during a full moon:  $500.00 _
> 
> _ Surcharge for working on a day ending with –y:  $200.00 _

“Now he’s just making stuff up,” Audrey rolled her eyes.

“You’re surprised?”

> _ Fee for interrupting yoga: $250.00 _

“Given the pose he was in and his lack of a shirt, I think he undercharged us for the show,” Audrey smirked.

Nathan couldn’t really argue that.

> _ I was tired:  $300.00 _
> 
> _ I was in a bad mood: $300.00 _
> 
> _ I helped anyway:  $3,000.00 _

“Wish someone paid me a thirty-six hundred dollar bonus for working when I’m tired and crabby,” Nathan said dryly.

“To be fair, this isn’t his job,” Audrey pointed out.

> _ Nathan was mean: $500.00 _
> 
> _ Audrey sassed me: $500.00 _

“Not letting him drive hardly qualifies as mean,” Nathan objected.

“Take it up with him.  I can’t argue mine.”

> _ I was having such a nice day:  $1,000.00 _

“How was he having a nice day if he was in a bad mood?” Audrey wanted to know.

“It’s Duke,” Nathan said, as if that explained everything.

> _ Dinner ruined due to absence from kitchen: $275.00 _
> 
> _ It was top quality shellfish:  $225.00 _
> 
> _ You uncultured barbarians: $100.00 _

“Seems reasonable.  I’ve had that seafood mac n’ cheese of his,”  Nathan conceded.

“It’s that good?”

“It has lobster.  I still like it.”

> _ Surcharges for dealing with people I don’t like: _
> 
> _ Vince and Dave were being creepy: $2,500.00 _
> 
> _ Dwight threw a potentially lethal object at me (again): $5,000.00  
>  _
> 
> _ The fucking Rev.: $7,500.00 _

“Surprised there’s not more people he doesn’t like,” Nathan commented.

> _ You threatened to arrest me.  Again.  Seriously, not okay.  Stop.  $100,000.00 _
> 
> _ (Rate disclosure: Actual arrest surcharge:  $500,000.00) _

Neither Audrey nor Nathan said anything, but they both looked guilty.

> _ I had plans that evening:  $500.00 _
> 
> _ Involving getting good and drunk:  $150.00 _

“We ought to get a discount for preventing the latter,” Audrey scoffed.

> _ Was threatened (again):  $750.00 _
> 
> _ Held at gunpoint (again): $1,250.00 _
> 
> _ Shot at (again): $2,500.00 _

“It really wasn’t a good day for him, was it?” Audrey said quietly.

“Think those rates would be higher,” Nathan agreed.

> _ I got a booboo:  $43,752.76 _

“Little more than a booboo,” Nathan frowned.

“That’s a really specific number.  I wonder if that’s what the hospital bill was,” Audrey looked concerned.

“Could be.  Crime doesn’t exactly come with health insurance.  Maybe that hazard pay wasn’t so excessive after all.”

> _ Range Rover set on fire: _
> 
> _ Damages to vehicle: $10,000.00 _
> 
> _ Possessions in vehicle destroyed: $750.00 _
> 
> _ Parking tickets in vehicle destroyed: -$846.23 _

“Trust Duke to know down to the penny the fines he’s ignoring,” Nathan rolled his eyes.

“He does know that Haven PD has a copy on file and this doesn't let him off the hook, right?”

"Without a doubt."

> _ Supplies: _
> 
> _ Pineapples, quantity 3 @ $75 each: $225.00 _
> 
> _ Cocktail umbrellas, box of 500, qty 1:  $350.00 _

“That wasn’t our fault!” Nathan protested.

“I want to know where he’s shopping that a pineapple costs seventy-five bucks,” Audrey said.

> _ Pistachio ice cream, qty 3 gallons @ $100.00 each: $300.00 _
> 
> _ All-weather windshield wipers, qty 7 @ $75.00 each: $525.00 _
> 
> _ Tuxedo rental: $750.00 _
> 
> _ Binder clips, qty 4 boxes of 500 @ $200.00 each: $800.00 _
> 
> _ 4 in. Matte White Recessed Gimbal Integrated LED Lighting Kit, qty 28 @ $25.00 each: $700.00 _
> 
> _ Polar temperature sleeping bags, qty 4 @ $300.00 each: $1,200.00 _
> 
> _ Leather spiked dog collar w/leash, qty 2 ;) @ $75.00 each: $150.00 _

“Oh my god, Duke!” Audrey laughed.

“Maybe we can use one on him.”

> _ Foam rubber lightsabers: qty: 3 @ $150.00 each: $450.00 _
> 
> _ Decoupage glue for Nathan’s birthday, qty 2 gallons @ $50.00 each: $100.00 _
> 
> _ Guitar picks, qty 1,000 @ $1.00 each: $1,000.00 _
> 
> _ Blank DVDs for pirating movies (haha Nate), qty 6 packs of 100 @ $175.00 each:  $1,050.00 _
> 
> _ K-Y personal lubricant, qty 3 @ $150.00 each: $450.00 _
> 
> _ Inline skates, qty 1 pair (always did want ‘em):  $300.00 _
> 
> _ First run printing of the Iliad, signed by author: $50,000.00 _

“Signed by the author.  Really,” Nathan said flatly.

“Is it just me or did he spend way too much time on this?” Audrey asked.

> _ Clothes ruined: _
> 
> _ Sweater, qty 1: $250.00 _
> 
> _ Button-down, denim, qty 1: $175.00 _
> 
> _ Undershirt, qty 1: $125.00 _
> 
> _ Jeans, qty 1 (the worn comfy pair):  $375.00 _

“Okay, never mind the pineapples, where is he buying his clothes?”

“From the thrift store, I happen to know,” Nathan snorted.

> _ Dry cleaning required: _
> 
> _ Sweaters, qty 2 @ $250.00 each: $500.00 _
> 
> _ Pillowcase, qty 1: $100.00 _
> 
> _ (continued next page) _

“Dry cleaning?  If those shapeless baggy old-man sweaters have ever been within a hundred feet of a dry cleaner I’ll eat my hat,” Audrey shook her head.

“Wouldn’t put it past him to get them dry cleaned just for this.”

> _ Socks, qty 3.5 pair @ $50.00/pair: $200.00 _
> 
> _ Speedo, tiger-print, qty 1: $100.00 _
> 
> _ Tanktop (stain removal extra), qty 1: $125.00 _
> 
> _ Silk bikini brief underwear, qty 6 pair @ $100.00 each:  $600.00 _

“I….don’t even know where to start.  Dry-cleaning for three and a half pairs of socks?” Audrey chuckled.

“Wondering about the Speedo, myself.”

“And the underwear.  I figured him for the type to go commando.  I guess if he’s gonna confine the boys, he wants some serious comfort.”

“Only the very best in banana hammocks for Duke Crocker,” Nathan said dryly, making Audrey laugh.

> _ Discounts: _
> 
> _ I was really bored:  -$150.00 _
> 
> _ I didn't want to do payroll anyway: -$200.00 _
> 
> _ Nathan in a wet t-shirt :) -$1,000.00 _
> 
> _ Escaped awkward conversation with old flame: -$5,000.00 _

“I was about to feel flattered when I saw how much more that last one was,” Nathan smirked.

“Think of it this way, if you’d been shirtless you’d probably have gotten the five grand.”

> _ Taxes (see Nate I told you I pay them): $11,792.01 _

“And he was charging  _ me _ for sass?” Audrey laughed.  “Come on, Nathan.  Let’s go see if he’ll accept payment in kisses."

“And appreciation for everything he does,” Nathan agreed, grabbing his coat.

**Author's Note:**

> The werewolf sequel is not abandoned, I promise! It's just long, and fun little fics provide a nice break : )


End file.
